“You’re an idiot!”

This situation is as old as time.

Had a fight with my significant other the other night.

Let’s not get into the exact subject, but climb up to the meta level.

Discussing the discussion.

Disclaimer: Since it’s me writing, this will be my perspective. You’ll have to find her and ask her to get the other side of the story.

Good luck with that.

Anyway…

It started out as a normal conversation, it was late so I didn’t bring my A-game.

Half way in, I said something stupid and then the conversation turned into something more heated. The conversation was lost.

And all I could think was “what did I do?” and “was that really so bad?”

And again, the answers to those questions are not the point here. You’ll never get the answer to them (me neither).

No, the meta level issue here is that it’s crazy difficult to see your own faults.

Your own wrongs, bads, stupid moves.

We see them in others all the time.

“He’s an idiot”

“How could she say that to me?”

“He made a really stupid decision”

That’s not a problem.

But ourselves…

Trickier.

I think there’s 3 ingredients at play here, mixing together into a toxic cocktail with a bitter aftertaste.

You see, there’s a large chunk of ego.

Mixed together with a lack of empathy.

And a splash of bad communication on top.

Ego is the wall you build around yourself, believing that you have all the answers and know best.

When you poke someone’s else’s ego, they usually respond by building an even stronger wall.

Instead, by tearing down your walls, you can see new perspectives and learn a thing or three.

Lack of empathy is not seeing my significant other’s perspective, her needs, and her insecurities.

Pushing where it hurts...

...without seeing there’s a wound.

Instead, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and ask questions to understand.

And, bad communication is failing to bridge our views and rather pull us further apart.

This one is tricky.

Because my ego and lack of empathy makes me believe (one) that I said what I meant.

And (two) that the other person understood what I meant.

“How can she not understand?”

But the other person filters what you say through their own experiences and feelings.

Meaning, what you said will likely be interpreted as something else.

Messy.

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